When David died, a friend who’d lost his wife six years earlier came to the Celebration of Life. “I promise, it gets easier,” he told me. “Give yourself a year.”
To be honest, a year felt like a lifetime. Then it became a finish line. If I could make it through the march of firsts, I’d be healed. I could begin to live, and I’d have my new life all figured out.
Except that didn’t exactly happen. David has been gone for 15 months, and I expected to have all the answers by now. I don’t. I recently realized what I do have are the questions.
People much wiser than me will tell you that questions are more important than answers. But they can also be really, really frustrating. We live in a world that values answers. I value answers. I crave certainty. It’s why I skip to the last chapter of a mystery novel. Just tell me!!
In 2019, I interviewed Hal Gregersen, senior lecturer in leadership and innovation at MIT’s Sloan School of Management and author of Questions are the Answer: A Breakthrough Approach to Your Most Vexing Problems at Work and in Life. I’ve talked hundreds of smart people over the years, and Hal is one of my all-time favorites. He’s also my go-to expert on all things “questionable.”
Hal told me, when confronted with challenge, we want to race to solve something. “We’re deeply connected to answers being more important than questions,” he said. “We get advanced and promoted by having the right answers. Schools are especially exceptional at shutting down questions, telling kids and young adults that the way to get ahead here is by rapidly spitting back the right answers.”
Question asking is an art adults need to relearn. One of the best askers of all time was the 1970s detective Columbo, who happened to be the star of my mom’s favorite television show of the same name. We’d watch episodes together while eating Junior Mints. Did you know Steven Spielberg directed the very first episode? Yes, that Steven Spielberg.
If you’re old enough to remember the character played by Peter Falk or if you watch the reruns on COZI TV, you know that Columbo is famous for saying, “Just one more thing.” He always had one more question. It’s how he achieved an impressive 100% success rate solving crimes.
I know questions are important, and I realized I’d been asking myself the same one over and over: “What do I do now?” “What do I do now?” “What do I do now?” Like a one-phrase parrot. It is a good question, for sure, but it’s near sighted (like me.)
So, I’ve come up with more questions.
- Who am I? Why not start off with the biggest question you can ask? Fortunately, there’s an easy answer and it comes in the form of the next question.
- Who do I want to be? I get to decide! That’s easier said than done, though, so let’s continue, shall we? (I’m getting the hang of this question thing.)
- What do I like to do?
- Better yet, when do I feel most alive?
- What do I want to be known for? (I got this question from Jason Womack, coauthor of Get Momentum: How to Start When You’re Stuck, when I interviewed him for Fast Company in 2018. He’s kinda awesome, btw.)
- What would I do if I knew I couldn’t fail? (I read this on a bumper sticker.)
- Who do I envy? (Envy can be a portal to who you want to be.)
- What do I value?
- What do I love most about myself?
- What do I want to keep hidden?
- What do I waste time on? Am I sure it’s a waste of time (because it may be an unmet need)?
- If I could live anywhere, where would that be?
- What do I have to contribute to the world? How can I start sharing it?
- Who are my people? How do I find them? Friend them? Make them think I’m not weird?
- What’s for dinner?
- Where did I park my car?
- How do I not get dementia? (This is a serious question when both of your parents had it.)
- How do I take all these answers and actually live them?
- Which leads back to my original “Polly’s got a question” question, giving it deeper meaning this time, What do I do now?
Questions are the start of living the most incredible Jeopardy category ever. I’ll take Stephanie’s Life for $1,000, Ken. An exercise that brings me closer to creating a life that makes me say, “WOW!”
The lesson here is to never stop asking questions. Like Columbo.
I love reading about your “Wow” moments. You are a true inspiration!
Love you girl, it’s been too long!
Moe